My Summer Pony Tail

I whisper your name in silence,
so softly that I cannot hear it myself…

A denial of my love, a betrayal of my own heart…
Just to let it be known, that it still yearns for you.

I breath the fresh air that I thought would give me freedom,
but to hear your voice…


I am still captured with intoxication of the love we have shared.

In this life…

we have such small chosen bits that are offered for purity and simplicity.

What we have shared had filled those empty masks
that were missing the elements of what souls bind with.

You found me, you filled me….
But now I whisper your name in silent darkness
where I can only see you in my dreams.

                                                                                     ~KANA

Years ago, my  memoir 

When I would see him, hear his voice, I would become flooded with feelings from the past, feeling from what once was magical between us.

This Summer Pony Tail, was for me now… the masks were still missing the elements that binds souls. I pulled my hair back, took a moment to breath in that same fresh air and look in the mirror.  I now no longer have those dreams of someone that never really existed.

It is painful when you awake and find that you loved the unlovable….

 

How A Narcissist Destroys And Disarms Their Victims

The narcissist can never let it be known what they have done to their victims. This would taint them with a lingering foul smell, that would prevent them from obtaining new sources of supply that they need to survive. You will be a sacrificial lamb and know there have been many before you and surly to be many after you.

The narcissist must destroy everything in their path to cover up what they do.  They are unable to proceed forward in their lives without doing so. They thrive on the attention that is drawn from others, based on the drama they create. They will orchestrate any scenario just to watch how their victim will react in pain and disbelief. No one can sanely possibly understand how they can be so callus and cruel. Unless of course, you understand narcissism!

A narcissist causes chaos and malcontent, because of their unstable, unpredictable behavior. They will never feel guilt or remorse for their actions, for that muscle has never developed in their souls and heart. They covertly destroy their victims, before it becomes clear that they are the creator and masters of the games in the playground witnessed.

The paranoia that a narcissist hides has them believe that every action that surrounds them is a set up to catch them in the process of their dirty deeds. A quick, strategic cover up must be in place before their mask falls and is revealed. If you pay attention, you can even see the change in their characteristics just prior to this occurring.

They MUST destroy the credibility of those that they have abused. It is a classic trait with this personality disorder. They will attempt to annihilate anyone that knows the truth about them, before they can be unmasked and will do ANYTHING they can to reverse the view of their persona onto their victim, making the victim appear crazy and delusional! A malignant narcissist knows how to perfectly set up the scene. When they know they have tripped up, they just reverse the roles of their actions of abuse and guilt. This will occur with anyone that crosses their path, from friends and lovers to family and co-workers.

Why do they do this?

Self-survival and entertainment is their objective. They need to extract from a source their needed supply with little to no effort of giving anything back. Because you see… it is not their nature to give, but to take.

They will set out to sabotage any circumstance that will bring their source any sense of security, love, control or stability. They must knock their victims off their feet at just the right time, to assure that they have the upper hand that keeps their victim confused, unstable and off guard.

The best opportune times that the narcissist will strike, is when their victim is looking forward to something special.  A holiday, special occasion, something the victim is excited about that was promised, will fail. They will use this time to cause disappointment, hurt and inflict injury upon their victim, keeping them waiting, longing and even make them submissive to the narcissists needs and time frames. This is part of their conditioning of their victim for the ride that is yet to come.

When their victim is suffering a loss or fear, they are at their weakest most vulnerable time and can become very easily roped into this cycle of abuse. The control is premeditated by the narcissist. The twists of terms of any circumstance will be altered by the narcissist, avoiding proof of them being the core of the chaos. They begin the psychological warfare with their victims causing illusions, projections and facades of the reality. This confuses their victims in a time of need, hope and despair. The narcissist will pathologically lie, project and gaslight their victims until the victim believes it themselves and accepts the blame for whatever the narcissist accuses them of. Victims will succumb to this abuse and will do almost anything just to stop the hurt and try to preserve what little they receive from the narcissist in regard. The victim begins to no long believe in what is reality, but becomes wrapped up in the illusional world that the narcissist has created.

Traumatized by psychological abuse.

When a person has been psychologically abused by traumatizing events over a periods of time, they remain in the tormented grasp of the narcissist. They begin to believe in and take blame for almost anything that the narcissist projects onto them. They may even beg for forgiveness for things they know they didn’t do or say, just to be in the good graces of this toxic union.  This is when it should be recognized that a trauma bonding is being developed.

A narcissist will use many forms of manipulation during this cycle to confuse its prey. What a very strategic game that has been foregone, building a victim up just to rip them down. Such twisted paths are led by this distorted manipulation. They have developed their techniques over their entire lives and have developed expert ways of obtaining what they need out of every source for their supply. A narcissist will do the unthinkable to obtain what they need.

Many narcissists are well educated by their role models in life. They have witnessed these techniques and now mimic them.

Narcissist need to gain what they feel, is their entitled source of power!

With a superior God like ego, the narcissist reflects a false persona of success, strength and power. The reason they do this, is to secure their status in the eyes of others. Their need for validation cannot be filled from within, because deep within their psychological structure, they truly feel inadequate and loath the person they “really” are. I have never been a believer in the cliché “Fake it till you make it”, but in a sense, a narcissist lives their lives this way. Unfortunately, they never make it, because NPD is to embedded in who they are. This personality disorder prevents a narcissist from ever achieving any true success, self-earned.

How many times have you heard your toxic partner say, “I hate my life”, “I wish I was dead”, “Why do you hate me so much?”. Somewhere in between these lines, if you pay attention…  they will mention “you” and what role “you” have played in making them feel this way. This is their way of “projection”.

The term for projection in Narcissistic Abuse is called “Gaslighting”.

A narcissist will attempt to make you feel responsible for the way they feel about themselves. This creates the “pity me” scenario that they use to discredit their victims. This lays the foundation for their needed adoration and attention from others When they are consoled in support of becoming the victim, verses their real role as the predator, it strokes their ego sort of speak. In that way, the offer of supply that the narcissist needs is extended by the victim or others in support of them, with nearly no effort made by them.

This replenishes the narcissist’s fallacies of grandeur. It supports their need for validation, something they cannot find within themselves. The narcissist will repeat this cycle until their victim has nothing left to give, making them a “doormat” supply, that grows into them willing giving the narcissist their supply, expecting nothing in return.

If a victim has made themselves absent from the narcissist’s life, or is being blamed for the reasons the narcissist life is failing, a victim will encounter narcissist abuse and trauma bonding that is triggered and try to do anything to “make things right” again.

When a victim is accused of abandoning the narcissist, their conditioned traits draw them back into the narcissist’s web. They are made to feel a term called FOG, which stands for “Fear, Obligation and Guilty“.

The narcissist is driven by their need for attention and adoration and the victim being the source of the supply will almost voluntarily hand it over. A narcissist has had these feelings of self inadequacy long before a victim has ever met them and honestly, there is nothing, no love, status or ego stroke that can be provided that will help them to keep up the image that they need to love themselves, or you!

Why does a narcissist need to destroy, devalued and make their victim look “crazy”?

Long ago, my grandfather told me that “When people get out of control, you get in control”. I can remember, even as a small child, watching the chaos that he would create and then how those around him would respond to it. An outrageous argument would breakout and everything would escalate, causing everyone involved to get emotionally upset, nervous and unstable. This is where the game of ping pong begins. One would blame the other, each would develop their defenses and then there would still be blame and shame for something that never really happened at all. It was all a part of pitching one against another and the chaos that it would create. Sadly, entertainment and attention was the goal. I watched this within my own family since I was old enough to understand and even joined in.  Each and every member would try to defend themselves from being guilty of an incident that didn’t exist. But, it was my grandfather that created the scenario for entertainment and attention, for himself that is!

I can remember watching my grandfather take a step back from the argument after he stirred the pot, and then just let it roll among those he involved. He would watched the chaos. After, in a calm and collected voice, he would nod his head, and say “See, this is what I was talking about. Look how out of control you are”. Everything would stop, and then the blame and shame was installed on the ones that were placed in the game played.

When I became of a certain age, these same strategic tactics were played upon me, for I became groomed as well at very young age to think that this chaos was normal. Hence, the conditioning that prepared me in life to fall easily prey to the cycles of abuse with a narcissist. And, of course, take the blame at the end for something that I “didn’t do” and led to believe I had myself.

The conditioned prayer of forgiveness.

Generally, at the end, the victim will apologize, suppressing their real thoughts and feelings just to end the pain and chaos that has occurred. It burns down deep in ones soul when you take blame for something that you had no hands in and submit to a toxic person just to end it. A victim learns to grit your teeth, take the abuse, receive no reward and lose a little more of themselves each time. It never sits right, so as a self-defense, a victim will become numb, or break. There may come a time that a victim will “snap”. The strongest of wills can still be broken. This will be used against the victim too, as their response will be their branded title of “crazy”.

The narcissist will provoke their victims. They will seek their reaction to prove that their victim is out of control. They will not take any responsibility in the cause for their victim’s reaction and most importantly, they will initiate the circumstance to create this scenario for it to be witnessed by those that they have disparaged their victim to. “Ah-ha, there’s the proof, see how crazy they are”. When the victim tries to defend themselves to others that have witnessed this, their credibility will have been damaged. Others will have no idea as to what has caused this person to have such a reaction. Therefore, they look upon the victim as if they are “crazy”, “out of control” and “delusional”. Now the narcissist can just sit back and watch the top spin from the string they have pulled… and they feel justify knowing that they caused it but aren’t receiving any blame for it. They will feel free of any responsibility to the drama and chaos that occurred and now their victim looks like the lunatic that they have been portrayed to everyone that they were.

The Breaking Point.

Even the strongest of people have breaking points. The narcissist has learned just how to get them there too! They will push every button and because they have already been educated on the vulnerabilities of their victim, will pick every scab, slice and dice every nerve and then throw salt onto the open wounds that they afflicted. This abuse over periods of time, has tightened this rubber band and then “snap” goes the victim!

Given the narcissist has such a need to be the center of attention, they use their learned tactics of breaking their victim, just to get the reaction and cause the drama. They seek to gain the pity, sympathy, reassurance and alliance from others. Should their victim finally reach their breaking point, they can use those incidents to prove everything that they had said about them all the while, that now justifies why the narcissist has done what they had. If their “Flying Monkeys” only really knew the true story as to why the victim was reacting in this manner, then the narcissist would lose their “team of followers” that they worked so very hard to obtain through the years. The Cheese would be Standing Alone! That is their biggest fear.

When victims are traumatized over long periods of time, they lose their ability to have emotionless defenses when trying to defend themselves against the harsh words and abusive behavior that they have been subjected to by the narcissist.  

A dispirited victim has a difficult time defending their reactions, because of the abuse that had occurred over time. This abuse has brought them to act out of character. Their heart broken, feelings of betrayal, being beaten into a submission that is beyond cognitive understanding. The loss of their self pride, esteem and worth, all play a part in why a victim reacts. Their world is turned upside down and they have now lost the ability to unveil the truth about the narcissist without looking like they are in a state of hysteria. Many people will say “After all, if they were so bad, then why did you stay with them all this time and how could you you say that you love them if they did all of that to you?”.

Just for those that feel the need to make comments to a victim of narcissistic abuse, that further belittles their feelings, know that trauma bonding has occurred, and the victim is suffering from cognitive dissonance and conditioning. Personally, I have a problem with these types type of comments, because when someone says this to a person that has been lost in their relationship with an abuser, they too are unsure as to why they have feelings for them. Saying such things and challenging a victim as to the reason that their emotional attachment remained, is not recognizing as to how it was developed.

 Narcissist lack the normal anxiety and fear to responses in heightened events and easily puts on their face of deception to look sane, while their victim appears distraught. They step back and watch the chaos occur and are unwilling to accept any responsibility for it. Therefore, given this isn’t their fault in anyway (they believe), they have succeeded in causing the hurt, pain and embarrassment to their victim and are back in the seat of control.  The insult to injury will be when they say, “See, everyone thinks you are crazy”.

Alienation from Support.

Over a period, the narcissist destroys the victim’s ability to defend themselves to others and does whatever possible to alienate their victims from their support systems (friends, family, children). Unfortunately, the victim remaining with the narcissist also damages their credibility to those that do not understand the dynamics of how these relationships develop and continue. This all puts a spin on a victim’s life and the narcissist will covertly sabotage the victims support system.

When abused from traumatic events over and over, a victim will slowly isolate and alienate from others and even parts of their lives. They cannot explain the bond that they have developed with their toxic partner and begin to feel that those that they have turned to will no longer listen or validate their hurt, pain and fears that they experience. While a victim tries to unravel the web they have been caught up in and is trying to see the manipulation that has occurred, it the most critical time for their support system to step up to the plate. Unfortunately, some of that support has been damaged along the way, or the victim has lost confidence in anyone beyond their abuser, so they stop reaching out to the people in their life to share their feelings. Some turn inwardly with their experiences because they are afraid of what others may say and how they will be judged. They start to suppress all that they experience, leaving no outlets to talk through about what has occurred behind closed doors. When this happens, it could become potentially dangerous for the victim. They need an appropriate avenue to release what they think and feel to understand and reset what damage occurred as a result of the manipulation that created their cognitive dissonance. When they don’t have this ability, they can go into a state of hopelessness and feel that there is no way out. It can even push some to the point ending their lives to be relieved of this pain.

How to support those that suffer from toxic abuse.

It is very important that a victim feels safe to share their feelings and thoughts without being judged for having them. It is very difficult for them to express these feelings to begin with, but to be judged while doing so causes almost the same injury as the toxic abuse that they suffered.

Someone that needs to express what has happened to them should be able to with their family and friends, and if not, with a professional that can help guide them to recovery.

They are many groups that support those that go through this type of abuse all over the internet and in local communities. Al-Anon, SLAA, CODA, SONG and many others that can be found on the internet. These groups provide forums and fellowship with those that have experienced abuse from a toxic relationship or partner. Within these groups surrounded by others that have been victims as well, it can become a safe place to share “true” feelings, not just something that others want to hear. These groups can also offer support, friendship, education and validation. I can not stress how important it is to understand this personality disorder. To understand it will support the survival from being the abused of it.

The healing can’t begin, until a victim of abuse is able to express what has/is really happening in their lives and this must be in a place where they feel is safe for them to actually have these feelings.  By them doing so, victims are able to go through the process necessary for them to understand what has happened to them and why they have allowed themselves to stay victim to this type of abuse.

Sometimes it is not possible for a victim to share with those closest to them. Sometimes, these are the ones that have helped create their acceptance of this type of behavior to begin with. Those that are closest to the victim may be to frustrated and have their own opinions and haven’t the patience to go through the appropriate steps that are needed to process this trauma without infiltrating the victims feelings about it. “Just get over it” is not as simple for victims of this type of abuse. Some may feel shame and judgement when approaching those closest to them that have witnessed and warned the victim over and over. It actually can cause more harm than good turning to someone to close or intimate to this abuse that doesn’t understand its origin, nature and psychological results.

There are specific groups out there for people that suffer from narcissistic abuse, where others that have experienced it as well, and have a better understanding of the cycles that led the victim to the state they are in.  Being victims themselves, they generally show more patience, compassion and understanding.

If there is any hope for a victim to heal and find their way out of the darkness that they have been living, it must be taken “one step at a time”. Each step taken will reveal some type clarity as to how and why they had gotten into this type of relationship to begin with. A true cleansing is needed to heal and will offer them the hope and understanding of how they will survive and never tolerate it again. It is important to stay in the moment, not yesterdays or tomorrows. 

Supporters of victims feel that a bulldozer smashing down the house that took years to build is the easiest answer to it all. They don’t stop to think however, that this is where the victim had suffered with their own cognitive conflicts and memories of their life experiences. There is love and hate that have occurred and a conflict of how abuse turned into love. A bulldozer effect could potentially destroy a victims ability to awaken from their abuse, for they will instinctively attempt to defend it, for the have been conditioned for a very long time to do so.

With patience and time, each brick removed represents a piece of the foundation of the life that they have lived. It should even go back further from the time of this event and relationship  It will give a victim the ability and opportunity to understand how and why each brick was placed there to begin with. This not only helps with their recovery, it offers them a better understanding to avoid the same circumstances again in the future.  

HEALING

Everyone’s healing is done at “their” own pace, not others. If it is forced by those around them, they run right back into the crumbling building as it falls all down around them. It is like coaching a scared cat from under a car. If you approach it too quickly, it will likely run from you, right into the street and potentially be stuck by on coming traffic.

To judge and belittle someone for their feelings or blame them for having them “you got what you asked for”, “you knew what you were dealing with”, does not help a victim rise from this situation, it only helps to suppress their need to share and expel the abuse that they suffered. It is common sense not to abuse the abused, if you have any regard for their healing, avoid this.

Victims should never stay silent. They need to find a trusted group, friend or professional to help before they curl up in a denial of all the feelings they have and the fears of why you have them. If they aren’t able to dissect them, the cycle will never end and they may forever remain in the chaos or continue to seek out the same dynamics in future relationships.

The Joy the Narcissist Gets from Devaluing and Discarding Their Victims.

Almost like a sick joke, the narcissist gets a kick out of what they do to their victims. Just as in Greek Mythology, “Atë wandered about, treading on the heads of men, wreaking havoc and delusion”. The narcissist does the same to their victims. They encourage their victims, distract them from their hopes and then enjoy their failures when they are left injured and in pain.

The narcissist had chosen their sources to serve as a supply for a specific need and purpose in their lives. Each source possesses a unique quality that they have not and have a need for. They seek this needed supply through others, since they are unable to develop this within themselves. They use their victims as tools to reap from the fruits of someone else’s efforts made, nurtured and grown. Once the source is obtained, the narcissist will even use it to hurt the victim. Then of course the discard will occur when their source has nothing left to give and serves no other purpose.

Everyone has something that is worthy and unique for a narcissist to pursue. It just depends upon what their needs may be at the time. A gem to be grasped for a narcissist is a challenge, for they have no interest in breaking down a target that has nothing to offer and is weak. There is no supply or satisfaction in that. 

A narcissist will seek out their prey by the qualities that they possess and use their strategic techniques to destroy within the victim, the light, beauty, empathy and intelligence that they offer after they extrapolate what it is they wanted. It quickly becomes a “take it and run” scenario! 

A narcissist gets satisfaction from this game of thievery and it strokes their ego to know that they can destroy another while doing it. It is a sick game they play. It may not seem it, but the hard part to believe is they don’t even do it consciously. This is how they have learned to survive.

How to win at their games.

Firstly, there is no way to win in the tango with a narcissist. The winning is when you are set free. Right from the get go, know that the narcissist does not possess true inner feelings of compassion and empathy. They do not feel the same way as any person that has developed and grown into a healthy loving soul. They have an inability to understand or share in a positive manner with anyone.  What they believe to be love, is an attempt to pursue their personal gains and will never be fulfilling to anyone else’s, not even their own.

If you were to try to engage in their game of manipulation, you would first need to stop loving and respecting yourself. You would have to abandon your beliefs in empathy, compassion and remorse. You would need to step down to low levels of pain and self-destruction for where there is no light shining and you may never find your way out if you dare to enter. This is not a place that you will find happiness, satisfaction or personal accomplishment. There is no winning against a narcissist, so please don’t make this your goal.

The only way to end the games that the narcissist engages you in, is moving on and getting away.  Increase your knowledge of this personality disorder to save yourself from a lifetime of hurt and misery. Take what you have learned from this relationship, specifically what you have learned about yourself and self-validate your soul so you can resurrect, before sinking deeper into the quicksand.

Use everything that you have learned by your experience with the narcissist to heal what is within you that brought you to your knees with this toxic person. Use this lesson to nurture yourself, heal and grow. Know that you deserve better and will have better, when you are no longer willing to except less.

Shield yourself from the toxic overgrowth that has infiltrated your resources. Redevelop the love and compassion that you have given to the narcissist and now give it to yourself!

Each Source Offers a Different Narcissist Supply There is ALWAYS More Than One!

Yes, The Narcissist has a superior talent and ability to obtain resources. One should consider their expertise in this way of life.

Narcissist have developed the tools needed to obtain from each and every victim what it is that they need for their “Narcissistic Supply”, when they need it!

You are NEVER the only one! There is ALWAYS another one waiting in the wings, being lined up and prepared to fill in when and where you don’t and can’t. You very well are the other one for another now. That one thing, that one need you may fill for the Narcissist… that one special thing that you have been chosen to fulfill in their life… is your purpose for them.

Whatever it is that you give, know that it falls into the never ending black pit of a person with this personality disorder, and no matter the contribution that you make, it will never fill that hole.

Beware!!

Always have your eyes open! Know that there really is another that will fill those shoes. Another victim awaiting for your shoe to drop, so they can fill it! They too will think that they are special, that they are the “ONE”, but really there is no “ONE”, there are many!

There is no possible way that any one person can fulfill the needs of a Narcissist. The Narcissist requires many sources to satisfy their needs for attention, adoration with a variety of sex, intelligence, status and personal prosperity.

The only solace you may find is knowing this, the other is no different than you, just another victim to the same prey.

If you dare to be jealous or envious, don’t be! Once you see the story that you have lived from the outside, its sad, hurtful and it becomes hauntingly obvious how the cycles repeat. The same story, different Actors and Actresses.

The New Supply or Other Supply will receive the same treatment and suffer the same cycle. It never fails!

Lost in Cognitive Dissonance with a Narcissist?

“Cognitive Dissonance”, knowing the right from wrong and still trying to justify the wrong to be right… even though it makes no sense, not even to yourself.

Each Source Offers a Different Narcissist Supply

Yes, the Narcissist has a superior talent and ability to obtain resources. One should consider their expertise in this way of life. They need to have a source of narcissistic supply to survive. There is always more than one!

Narcissist have developed the tools needed to obtain from each and every victim what it is that they need. Their need for “Narcissistic Supply” is imperative when they need it!

You are NEVER the only one! There is ALWAYS another one waiting in the wings. They always have one in site or lined up. This New Supply is being prepared to fill in when you don’t and can’t. You very well are the other one for another now. That one thing or  need you may fill for the Narcissist… that one special thing that you have been chosen to fulfill in their life… is your purpose for them. You provide that narcissistic supply for which they require to survive.

Whatever it is that you offer falls into the never ending black pit of a person with this personality disorder. No matter the contribution that you make it will never fill their black hole.

Beware!!

Always have your eyes open! Know that there really is another that will fill those shoes. Another victim awaiting for your shoe to drop, so they can fill it! They too will think that they are special, that they are the “ONE”, but really there is no “ONE”, there are many!

There is no possible way that any one person can fulfill the needs of a Narcissist. The Narcissist requires many sources to satisfy their needs for attention, adoration with a variety of sex, intelligence, status and personal prosperity.

The only solace you may find is knowing this, the other is no different than you, just another victim to the same prey.

If you dare to be jealous or envious, don’t be! Once you see the story that you have lived from the outside, its sad, hurtful and it becomes hauntingly obvious how the cycles repeat. The same story, different Actors and Actresses.

The New Supply or another source of Narcissistic Supply will receive the same treatment and suffer the same cycle. It never fails!

Lost in Cognitive Dissonance with a Narcissist?

“Cognitive Dissonance”, knowing the right from wrong and still trying to justify the wrong to be right… even though it makes no sense, not even to yourself.

 

A Narcissist Valentine’s Day Awakening With No Trust Left To Give

Valentine’s Day….

~ None the different than days gone by… There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~

This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…

Amen to this I say… alive, still here and searching for all the secure future foundations to rebuild, while watching each step closely before taken.

Thank you for the reminder, but you can keep your flowers and apologies, they mean nothing anymore…

A Narcissist Valentine’s Day With No Trust Left To Give

Narcissist Valentine’s Day….

~ None the different than days gone by…
There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~

This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…

Amen to this I say… alive, still here and searching for all the secure future foundations to rebuild, while watching each step closely before taken.

Thank you for the reminder, but you can keep your flowers and apologies, they mean nothing anymore…

The Carrot and Stick Tactic

Have we forgotten what LOVE is? I hear so many people, to include myself, say how much they love their narcissist. I loved him with all of my heart, every beat, every breath. I never felt this way about another person. And, I have never been as hurt by another like this in my lifetime.

I had forgotten what love is…

The feeling of being with someone that loves you as much (if not more) than you love them is an incredible feeling. A healthy relationship with someone where you set goals, plan holidays, vacation, build a life together, have equal strengths and directions, is all a good recipe for a healthy journey. This doesn’t happen with a narcissist. It doesn’t, it will never. They are not capable!

In the beginning, they will say anything and act it out during the love bombing stages. After all, they can only make the effort for a short time, so they give it their all and then ride the wave. If it doesn’t work out, I can guarantee they will say, it’s because of you.

Familiar??

  • “Where have you been all my life”
  • “I’ve never felt this way before”
  • “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you”
  • “You really get me”
  • “We are soulmates”
  • “I don’t want this to ever end”

It’s all BS…. It really is!!  As you live through the nightmare of having a relationship with a narcissist, you will become more and more confused about whats right and wrong.  You forget what it’s like to be loved with respect and fidelity.  I have, I certainly have throughout this past many years.

Each narcissist has a list of lines that they use over and over. They learn whats works for them.  When you are in a vulnerable state, it’s very hard to see through the facade that they create.  You believe their stories, promises and sweet words.  None of these are backed-up with actions, integrity or character.

Actor

They are a character played in a theater built just for their amusement.  They are an actor that performs to entertain themselves.  They have learned what to say, what to do, to render the results they want.  This is where you come in… You are the supply!  You have something to offer that they want, or need. Be it attention, money, status, support, sex or just a punching bag.  They get a kick out of what they can get away with.

They find all that is vulnerable within you, and then they fill those voids (temporarily) to suit your needs.  This is the beginning of it.

  • Offer you something you want or crave.
  • Make you want it more than you did before.
  • Then take it away, but dangle it ahead creating the desire.
  • They make you work harder for it, to fix it, make it better (but this is impossible)
  • Then they toss you to the curb when you no longer serve the purpose.
  • Oh, don’t forget they will come around again “hoovering”

All of this to repeat the cycle.  Act II, III. IV and so on.  The play remains playing as long as your in the audience.

You see, when we are in a vulnerable state, we seek that comfort and validation. I swear they can almost sniff it out… A narcissist knows how to play this part very well, it is instinctive and a well formatted script.  Don’t kid yourself, its all well planned in their head.

Love bombing…

When we are being love bombed, it feels euphoric. During love bombing you feel overwhelmed with the attention, adoration and the chemistry spikes. All of those little special things, sweet texts, attentiveness, flowers, pet names, thoughtful gestures, gifts, great sex… all of it comes flooding in, faster and faster as they increase their attack on your core emotions and vulnerabilities. These are all manipulation tactics that are laying the foundation of their future games of strategy.

Yup, your getting set up for the staging of the show to come…

Very quickly you are groomed to fit their needs.  You fall so head over-heels, it’s like an addiction to everything they are. You want more and more, and have no idea that the narcissist is full of false promises. You invest yourself into this relationship, because you feel that they are investing themselves into you. They will put forth the persona that you need them, they want whats best for you.  They will help move you, do the manly things around the house, like hang a mirror or fix the car. They will make small gestures to show their feelings, however they are not feelings, they are a plan. They are chameleons and mirror everything that is needed and desired in the heart of us. They start to pick up our lingo, habits, hobbies, anything that makes you more obviously connected to them.  They become an attachment to “your” life.  Generally because they don’t have one. They need to cling to a life that they can feed from… this is why they are called “Emotional Vampires”.  They suck the life right out of you.

They tantalize us with the promise of a brighter future, a relationship where we are deeply validated and taken care of. We get used to the daily praise and laser-focused attention.  The sex during the love bombing and initial idealization phase is explosive! The relationship has the perfect balance, a steady up-climb and the goal at the top, is your soul.  You think it’s being fulfilled, but it actually is being raped.  Yes, raped!!

The narcissist knows exactly how to bring us to greater heights. They are Pros at it!  It’s what they live for, how they live.  They have learned over a lifetime this technique and it serves them to catch you up, spin you around and then make you feel like hell, so if they come back around, they have you wanting something you know you don’t.

They’ve studied who we are, what we like and learned to mimic it.  Little do we know, sex and intimacy will later be used as ammunition.

Narcissists are skilled artists of manipulation. They will flatter you with attention, gain your trust and adoration, then start their field of games. Now that you are properly seasoned, “Let the games begin”.

Carrot and Stick Tactic

One of the foundations of their strategy is how they lure you in and then punish you for falling for it 1 out of 3 times. This simple manipulation technique is to elicit certain behaviors desired by the narcissist. One day everything is great, and just because you added one additional word to your sentence, the words become scrambled, the narcissist takes flight with rage and anger and you haven’t a clue what you did or said wrong. WACK!! You get the stick!

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Next time it might be different, you actually might get the carrot, if you succumb to the submissiveness of doing everything their way. What a wicked game they play, leaving your wanting and waiting. They punish you for having the love that they created. You become convenient for them, then without warning, they come back with the punishment to condition you when you try to express your needs. Don’t have any, not if you want to remain on the good side of this Mask Predator!

I went through this with my ex-narcissist. He would promise me the world, then he would create an argument, when I would confront his words that were not supported by his actions. He would become extremely defensive with such intensity. It use to make me feel like, “It’s you or me babe…” And, you can count on it, it was him!

“The only person that gets angry hearing the truth,

is one that’s living a lie”

Just when you start to realize what is going on, that things aren’t as they appear, the gaslighting begins.  “I can’t stand your manic behavior”, “Your crazy”, “It’s all in your head”, “Pump the brakes…”, “You know your the love of my life, and if you don’t know how I feel about you, then shame on you”. You start to think, “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Did I do something wrong” and you find that you start to question yourself and your cognitive dissonance starts to play a game on you. You loose grasp of the reality that you know is going on and are being convinced by the narcissist that it’s you.

I once read this on a web site, making it a cross reference to cognitive Dissonance.

“There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing, Or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing….”  
~ Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 

Cognitive Dissonance.  Do yourself a favor, read about cognitive dissonance and how it creates an alternate belief and confused state.

By definition…

Cognitive dissonance is “the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously.”.

As a result of cognitive dissonance, we enter into a state that keeps us attached to our abusive partner, despite knowing that they are incapable of loving us.  The confusion is wanting to believe them, and knowing the truth nonetheless.  It doesn’t make sense. Many people suffer from narcissistic abuse and cognitive dissonance keeps them trapped in the cycle.

We find it so hard to let go of our dreams and all that we believed our relationship to be. And, it was all a lie, it wasn’t real!  The narcissist is an actor and we fell for it.  The question remains, Why?  For that answer, we need to seek down deep within ourselves. What has us so confused that we believe something that is outside our beliefs, factually presented in front of us. We see it, we know it, we chose to allow someone to influence our belief system to the extent that they are able to cause us to believe something that we know not to be true.

Their actions and words don’t match up. If you address them about their conflicting facts, words, actions… They go into a melt down mode because you have inflicted narcissistic injury. This is guaranteed to occur should you dare to challenge them.  Know, if you chose to not accept their lies, infidelities, erratic behavior, they are sure to say, there is something wrong with you (gaslighting). They may even be able to make you believe it. You are blamed for the argument and then they will go into the silent treatment without regard of how it leaves you feeling (no closure, isn’t that a pin pinching your ass?). This is a conditioning to lower your expectations and make you compliant for the crumbs that you are yet to be minimized to in the near future. You feel like a sitting duck for the abuse and be careful when walking on those eggshells, a crack in any one of them will set them off, even if your not the one that crack it.

Be aware of the Carrot and Stick tactic.  You are chasing something that will never be. This is an act of control and a tool for the narcissist to trick you right into their web.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, then I’m the fool!! 

Don’t be a fool!  There isn’t enough time on earth that we should waste all the precious gifts we have to offer the right person, on one that doesn’t deserves it. We can’t change them, cure them and we didn’t create them.  Let them GO!!

Betrayal

How can one reach beyond the feelings of betrayal? We give of our hearts, mind, souls and bodies to find that others do not regard of them with the same respect they deserve.

“A heart filled with pain for loving you, knowing you have no soul”

We love and hope that the love we have is requited. This is not the case with a Narcissist. It’s not you, it’s not what you have to offer a relationship, be it love, family, parent or friend. A Narcissist is incapable of understanding the depths of love that is offered from ones soul. I once read, a Narcissist is a “Soul With No Footprints”… and this couldn’t be more true. They leave no imprint on our lives, other than that we allow… and generally that is painful while in the current, or a memory. Yes, the pain, hurt, betrayal we feel is “ALLOWED” by us. A Narcissist is a phantom on this earth, suffering from their own self-loathing, masked feelings, just trying to fit in with the rest of society as they think they can BS their way through life. Your feelings do not touch the fragments of their fractured minds.

They don’t even understand the feelings that you have, share, beg, plead for them to hear. The Narcissist only has regard to what makes them feel good, despite if it hurts everyone around them.

Each and every one of us that has been effected by Narcissist injury, can relate to needing answers to the question’s one has asked. What is rational to normal minds, is not the same as the magic shop of “appear and disappear” that we experience with these Masters of Illusion.

SOULMATE

Time to change direction, a time to bank life’s path.  A time to awaken…

Struggling with the 3am phone calls, wanting so badly to answer, but the story is always the same.  “You are the love of my life”, “I want to marry you”, “I hate my life without you in it”.  Does a “Drunk mind, speak a sober heart”??

The flood gates open, the words flow, however this doesn’t mean that the alcohol has the effect of a truth serum.  They surround themselves with those less intelligent, then find an excuse to drink. Was Hemingway right?

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With my ex, all of his indiscretions are blamed on his obvious disease, alcohol.  However, through the years he has done nothing to challenge that disease knowing how its affect damages the people in his life.

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A selective memory of what he does while under the influence is the general day after.  Everything he does is without the regard as to what he does to those that love and care about him while he is under that influence.

It is the excuse for infidelities, lies, broken promises, disappointments, hurtful words and so on.  The day after seems like a nightmare in itself as he goes through his PAWS (post alcohol withdrawal syndrome).  Sometimes you feel like you would rather he be drunk, because sober he is a real asshole most the time and not very good company.

Narcissist use the word “Love” as one of the tools to obtain supply.  They see it as their gift to you, that they “love you”, so it makes it okay for them to use you.  They extract everything that they need, at the expense of others emotions, well being, health, finances… life!

Those calls come day or night nonetheless, but its within your control to accept them, or not to continue the connection.

Echo thinks….

Wait!  Aren’t you sleeping in another’s bed? Didn’t you leave me and then blame me so you could leave me without guilt, to be in this other’s bed?  Isn’t that real? Were we real?  Is anything real with you?

Echo should hear…

Don’t answer the phone. Don’t fall for it again, he’s just drunk and alone. You are not the love of his life, because he doesn’t know what is needed to love in life (that pains me).   He is going to say, “I love you more than life itself, to the best of my ability to love”.  So, he knows it breaks the heart and it’s his lack of ability to share his.

We long so badly for the man to be the one that made us fall in love with him, but we feel nothing but disappointment, over and over.   It is almost ridiculous.  You know the truth, don’t want to accept it, think that its going to be different, but you still know the reality. The layer of this onion will only bring tears with every layer pealed. There really is no reward, there is no happy ending with a narcissist.

The Other Woman to the Other Woman

I have been a foolish woman.  I stood by a man that cheated on me throughout our relationship.  I went into some sort of crazy denial, supported by his “gaslighting” that it was all in my head, my irrational jealous feelings…  I watched him cheat on the woman before me, and again the ones after me.  It didn’t start out that way, but quickly became that way.  There came a time that I was almost complacent being the “Other Woman to the Other Woman” for nearly a decade.  What the hell was I thinking?

What kind of person does this to anyone, awakening a spirit of fire from deep within a soul and then, throw a gas mixed water, just to watch it rage and then simmer?  So cruel, insensitive, painful for the one who received the Love Bombing, to only realize that its a pattern, a way of life, a norm for the narcissist.

This behavior is part of what takes place causing trauma bonding. It creates an addiction to a person, in a sort of sense.  You have invested so much of yourself into them, you have a difficult time separating.  Its like a game of bait and catch, the carrot and the stick… Call it what you want, it is all a sadistic trick to maintain their “supply”, to be added to their harem, have a back up and keep you hanging indefinitely.  Until you decide not to, that is…  NO CONTACT is the only answer, or everytime you replenish yourself from the hurt and chaos that they cause, they hoover around again and start the process all over, until you have nothing left to offer once more.

SoulmateThis Trauma Bond is a bond, but it’s not one of love, but of addiction and develops from the abuse you experience during the tug of war of your mind and heart as its played. You are my “Soulmate”, they may say.  But honestly the only soul is within the one that has one.  There is no “soul” mating with one that is soulless. This is not said to be mean, the truth is that someone that suffers from a Personality Disorder of narcissism has an empty hole in place where a soul would dwell.

We could spend a lifetime trying to fill that hole, reach for that soul, however it has never developed, therefore… is missing.  “A Soul with No Footprints”, as I have once heard, leaves no imprint on life.  The narcissist casually passes on by, never looking back, touching what it is they want, and leaves like a thief in the night, leaving destruction and tormented hearts.  They lack emotional empathy.

NO, it’s not you!!!  They are soulless!!

How did they get that way?  There are many reason’s that a narcissist is the way they are. Many suffer from addiction as well (as in my case, he was a serious alcoholic), because they use their drug of choice to numb their pain. I’ve heard that one for years first hand.

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The day after’s are generally roller coasters.  They forget what they have said, or just said what they did  to obtain the reaction, attention or supply, once again.  They love to tempt those waters.  When rejected, a narcissist suffers “narcissistic injury” and I can assure you that they are tormented by that.

My ex-narcissist use to say “silence is deadly”, the silent treatment is used as one of their favorite punishments.  This takes away what little worth you may feel you are to the narcissist and conditions you to believe that you are expendable, without loss to them.

Oh, don’t let this become part of your psyche.  You are VERY valuable… you were chosen by the narcissist to offer a unique supply that they were unable to obtain from someone else.  If they continue to hoover you over and over, you know that the bee is seeking the nectar from this flower.  Know this is not out of love or adoration for you, but for only the nectar.  The bee will fly off to seek another supply too, but may be back tomorrow to revisit this flower (if you let them).

THEY NEED MULTIPLE SUPPLY

Narcissists need outside sources to make them feel complete.  Funny, the ones abused have the same need.  Both are not feeling fulfilled within themselves.  What a terrible shame that a narcissist will never change, and those that love them struggle with letting them go, because they want to be the one that does.  It’s a never ending battle with a well recognized personality disorder that destroys everyone that it touches.

False Envy

I guess I need to get over this part, so do many others that have been discarded by a Narcissist.  Let me see what it is that I “Envy” about the New Supply…?? Hmmmmm…..

https://allshookupagain.blog/2018/09/24/false-envy/

  1. She is with him….

Well, that really is nothing. If I wanted to be, I would be with him too.  All you have to be is convenient and answer the phone. Hmmm…

masked woman

  1. She looks OK, is it her beauty?

No, I don’t think it’s her beauty, because I know that I am more attractive than her.  Even that comment was made by him to me numerous times… So, that can’t be it.

Pool

  1. She is living my life and all that he and I talked about, right down to the house, location and accessories.

No, this isn’t it.  She is the one that is supplying that lifestyle, just as I would and was before. He isn’t contributing to that life, he is just using it as a projection of himself.  It is image…. And not even his…

broken plate and glass

  1. She has his loyalty?

Ha, now that one isn’t true at all.  I have to remember this.  If he was so loyal, I wouldn’t receive the calls and the love messages to this day.  He wouldn’t be on dating sites right now.  He wouldn’t be talking to other women (self-admitted).  He would not have carried on two separate relationships until I recently fled (again).  He wouldn’t seek to come to me or ask me when I am going to come to him.  He wouldn’t share all the crazy thoughts he has about her that are disparaging with me.  I have no doubt they were said about me to her as well.  So, loyalties… she doesn’t have that either.

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  1. She can dream of a future?

The key word here is “dream”.  I dreamt of many futures that were created by his words and promises.  However, even though he is with a New Supply, he still talks about “our future”, how we will be together… Not true, I’m sure he says the same to her…. The one before thought she was getting an engagement ring at Costco. Ha, Costco…. I don’t mean to laugh about that, only that is was said to me to try to make me jealous, but it made me think how crazy that was, to buy an engagement ring at “Costco”?  I don’t know.  It just didn’t represent to me making the effort, making it special… a Costco engagement ring that can be found in the isle after bulk dog food?  The only future I can even imagine will be the future that she creates and then spends a lifetime taking care of him (while he cheats, drinks and lies).

The TRUTH here is…

beach woman

There is nothing to envy about the New Supply.  I kind of feel sorry for her when I resurrect my Christianity.  I feel badly that she thinks that this life is better than the one that she once had. It will take time, but hopefully she will see it, before it destroys her.  I know this pain, and don’t really wish it on anyone.

I didn’t mean to fall in love with a Narcissistic man.  I didn’t even know what one was, until it all started to not make sense.  I gave of myself all I had to an empty black hole, because I use to think I saw the lost and angered child within the man that I love that suffered, and I wanted to be that comfort to him.  Well, I can still claim the crown of that comfort.  That’s what brings him back to me over and over, however it’s like the Tom Cat that comes home at night to be fed and cared for, to only roam the streets again the next day and pick up whatever “P****” that will let him in….

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One of Two for One

Guessing that the efforts and time spent made to help someone through a difficult time in life will never, should never be forgotten. When you are not the one making that is making that effort and sacrifice, it is easy to dismiss the other that had. To forgiving to forget and still remain, was only as a result of a broken heart that has been held together with a bandage of courage,.

When you find yourself sitting across from a face attached to a shell, you want to believe the plans and future dreams being shared are real… But when you find all that was said and done was just to to justify self serving patronage,it leaves pain in a heart broken

Next you are erased.

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It’s odd…

The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.

Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds.

Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.

Once focused on a new day being born,

the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana…

Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is. 

Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?

I thought of tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant.

The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations…

Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.

Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….

~ Echo

The narcissist will take advantage of your generosity and kindness. They do this by manipulating. those that love and care about them. They these sources of supply generally return, even after being hurt to help the narcissist when needed. This of course is until they are all used up!

Two for One

It’s odd…

The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.

Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds. Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.

Once focused on a new day being born, the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana… Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is.  Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?

I thought tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant. The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations… Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.

Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….

Broken Paths

Broken Paths

I never thought that the soulful light that lives within me, could ever burn out. The light dims and my heart sparks, wounded and betrayed.  Broken heart, each piece slowly beats, until it doesn’t.  Airborne my spirit, as I feel a piece of me slip with every breath, fleeing from harm and sorrow. The tears that flood an inner soul that has been betrayed, after it gave all it had to give… to such one undeserving.

This flight of sincerity and passion has been traveled and abandoned for cynical needs.  The sick mind devours the purity of empathy.  The honest and sincere, walk a path of prey, stalked. How can one walk the earth in light, spreading only dark?

I once saw you as a mirror of me, but this is not the case.  Once swooned the kept emotions, now fear the path.

~KANA

Drop The Pocket Watch

We could have had it all, but yet you settled… again… on a false bottomed, BS facade of a life… a never ending black hole…

I’ll never understand this part of you and only wish you valued life so much more. I came home and my past swarmed around me, with a peaceful reminder of how valuable I am, my heart, my soul… I wonder over and over, how and why did I ever give them to you when you don’t even value your own. I have always seen so much more in you, than I believe you have ever even seen in yourself. As I am reminded by all that I know here, what a better life I once had, before I ran after that insane rabbit, down that twisty turning, convoluted hole… I clawed and cried as I did, just to have the strength to climb from the darkness, but for some reason, I wanted to bring that crazy rabbit with me…

Didn’t you want that? Didn’t you want to climb from the shadowed illusions that came alive in that twisted tunnel? It only leads to more diverted paths, don’t you know? A journey of success, unconditional love and peace can’t be found there rabbit… Wasn’t that all once your goal??

This is why I have uprooted myself once more, to see clearly, and now I do. Come out of that tunnel on your own…. Please, waste no more time… I once wanted you here with me… I wanted you so desperately to see clearly… I believed in you…. I hated the frustration of wanting to resurrect you from a world deformed. I once felt you were a piece of me in a certain way and I so desperately wanted you always to share in a different version of life that I know you have never seen….

Nivens McTwisp, stop playing with time… it is only wasted in that fashion…. Your 55 and now it’s time for you to awake…

Erased

The days turn to nights, and nights to days
The first sign of light, the challenges raised
To love with every beat, my heart dares to take
My mind rips apart the moment I wake
I’ve loved you from the moment, I looked into your eyes
Never did I think, you’d be riddled with lies
A man that so many have tried to posses
Has left a path of stories that have yet to be professed
I’ve dreamt of you a lifetime, hoping to find
A gentle man that loved me, that was good and kind
Never would I have thought that life would disguise
The pain that was hidden far beneath those eyes
I held you so closely, to my breast as you sleep
To feel the peace rise, from the days that repeat
The cycles turn swiftly, our nights in your head
As one tries to love you, aside you in bed
My soul was opened, doors having no key
For there is no one else to compare to for me
We’ve danced in the moonlight and made love to the songs
Of every moment in life, even the ones that’ve gone wrong
You know not why I love you, I have made my plea
But my words are all broken and you no longer hear me
You are in my dreams, my gentle man I say
I beg you to remember and not walk away
Know that I love you, for all that we are
The years passed quickly, but haven’t changed us so far
I know that you love me as you remind me you do
But then you push me away for something to do?
How many times I’ve heard you love me too much
But when I share the same you tell me not such
Your words are twisted, and actions run wild
While I stand here watching, feeling as lost as a child
I can never be what repairs you, for your life lived in the past
I only have to offer this role I’ve been cast
To feel empty in love, while you run your path
Knowing all that I have given can be erased in a wrath
Please hear me, please know… I’m as confused as you
For all that I say, and all that I do…
Was for you