What Supply is to the Narcissist

While you were with your narcissist, you may have…

  • Been the “ideal” source of supply.
  • Given them all the attention and adoration they needed when “they” needed it.
  • Gave up a large part of yourself to do so. 

When we fall in love, many of us want to make our love partner a part of our lives. We want to include our partner in our plans for the future. This is only normal to do you would think, right?

Well, not when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. There is a standard short rule that applies…

You give,they take and your efforts are NEVER requited!
That’s it in a nutshell!

It is hard to admit, but you may have allowed yourself to be abused. A narcissist will demean, belittle and berate you just for having normal feelings, obvious needs and normal expectations. And yes, you’ve ALLOWED it! Lets just keep it real…

You may have allowed many of these abuses occur. Given our past experience with the narcissist, we tolerate more than most. It is our instinct to tempt the triggering of our conditioned emotions of fear and pain. Some will do anything to prevent the ongoing abuse that we know will come. The aftermath of rage from the narcissist is very frightening.

Don’t dare to rock the boat and express your feelings! After all, when a boat rocks, especially during an unexpected storm, its scary as HELL!

Do we Fight or take Flight?

You just try to hold on for dear life and not fall out of that dingy that already has leaks. The volatile tossing, thrashing and the rollercoaster of emotional waves and confusion that occur create the “fight or flight” feeling. Instinctively and for survival we try to hold on tight. Originally the narcissist misrepresented to you their role in the relationship. This was during the love bombing stages. They have conditioned you to believe that they have become your lifeline, or so you thought.

When in the midst of their chaos, anyone would have difficulty in thinking rationally. Those that have previously suffered narcissistic abuse feel it is best to try and remain status quo. You been conditioned to know what the alternatives and consequences will be should if you express any needs.

You have been lead to believe it is easier to submit then drown.  Under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t have even been in that darn boat without your own life vest, right? The narcissist has actually made you feel that they are your savior and without them you surely will not survive…

However, the narcissist will most certainly be the reason you drown! A narcissist will save themselves, before they ever consider saving you. There is no doubt about that!

You start to find yourself falling submissive to the most outrageous, rigid demands and limitations made by the narcissist. If a friend was in your same situation you would surely tell them to run like hell! If they didn’t, you would think they were nuts, right? Remember that point…

You have likely given the narcissist a sense of control over you. They begin to dictate,who you are, what you believe and even how you respond to circumstances. A once easy “NO WAY” response to  issues that were against our moral fiber are now challenged.

When we fall in love (or what we believe to be love) it is our nature to want to share our special moments, emotions, happiness and even hardships during our journey with our life partner. After all, isn’t the relationship you share an intent to build a life together? (Hmmm…. Nope, not with a narcissist)

There are four stages of a narcissistic relationship. 

The stages are textbook and are consistent to not only your situation, but ALL situations with partners that have NPD (narcissist personality disorder).

As the narcissist begins the “Second Stage” of this cycle, they start to revealing what is called their “true- self”. It is during this time that you begin to feel something just isn’t right between the two of you, they have changed. You go into a panic mode trying to figure out what has happened and make all sorts of crazy efforts to “fix it” (not even sure what it is that you need to fix) and this is when the narcissist starts pushing the limits just to see how far they can push you and how much they can get away with (the beginning of their cheat sheet of your psyche)

What is this new behavior? You feel as if you have just been knocked off your feet! You become vulnerable and unsure of where your Romeo or Juliet has gone…. Wherefore art thou ?? Revealed is this new personality and with it comes the covert abuse, manipulation, gaslighting. A narcissist will take advantage of this time of your vulnerability and emotions, truly as much as you will tolerate.  It is a pre-test. They will see how long you are wiling to stick it out and what you will tolerate. Some will stick around longer than others.

The longer a supply tolerates this abuse, the better their chance of being placed on the recall list as a continued source.

“The Devaluation Stage”.

The narcissist will begin to comment and focus on your imperfections. Some of these you have even shared with them as your accomplishments of insecurities. This begins to breakdown your self confidence and esteem. Some of your qualities they once admired about you will generally be the targets.

A few Examples:

  • Smart, they will begin to tell you you are dumb, ignorant, naive, stupid.
  • Beautiful, they will make you insecure that you have become old, fat, unattractive, not sexually appealing.
  • Successful, they will breakdown your accomplishments, take credit for them, belittle them, but surely have no problem living off the benefits of them.
  • Smart enough to call them out on their behavior, you will be labeled crazy, manic, insecure, jealous.

Once the new persona appears, the “true-self” of your narcissist, you begin to question who is this person? What have I done to change them? How can we go back in time and recapture? What do “I” need to do to fix this?

Let’s cut right to the answer… You can’t do anything to fix it!!  It is THEM!!

But, 9 out of 10 are not ready to just accept this, so we’ll keep moving forward…

“What you thought you saw, is not what you really get”!  They are a narcissist, not your soulmate, not your Romeo or Juliet. You are now standing witness to the narcissist as their mask slides slowly from their face of this “soulmate” you thought you knew.

You are now meeting the “true-self” of this love of your life.  This is the person that they really are and have always been behind the mask. You are just now living their “Act II”.

Why is the mask falling? Firstly, its because it is just to exhausting for them to keep up the facade. They secured their supply, now they are revealing themselves. Oh, don’t worry… I know some of you are thinking, “Well, they aren’t like that with their New Supply now”Yes they are, or soon they will be.

The narcissist can not change and no one is really that special. This happens in every relationship that they have and really the length and tolerance lies within the one that is vulnerable to it for whatever their circumstances. The length of how long they will suck the source from the supply will occur for as long as the supply allows it.  What looks pretty on the outside, is just as ugly on the inside as you have experienced. Remember when you tried to look at the glass half full? Do you remember when you were being love bombed? It is just like a script.  

The narcissist originally came forth to you as their representative. This was the persona that you fell for, their “false-self”. They have spent a lifetime developing this masked persona, therefore many of them can be very good at laying it on thick and make you believe every word and every promise. This was the persona that love bombed you, mimicked your ideals, morals, strengths and interests. The one that you fell hopelessly in love with. The ultimate Soulmate!! Until the mask started to slip…

It was NEVER real!
All sources of supply. run out, are replenished and are drained again. 
The cycle will repeat if you allow it.

This false-self was only a projection of what the narcissist created during the initial stage of love bombing in an effort to join with you in your life, interests and accomplishments. To secure you as a good supply. The more that you share together, the more the attraction. Some would call them a chameleon and later… a leach and emotional vampire…

You see and believe only what was projected by the narcissist. You shut down other’s opinions that see through the facade and you even deny your own gut instincts. All you can think of is how you have met your soulmate and now will live happily ever after with this perfect mirrored image, as the narcissist slowly drains you of all your energy, empathy, compassion and self worth.

The truth is, you have only met a narcissist
that is seeking a supply to resource from. That’s it!

Once the representative that you first met decides it’s safe to start letting go of their false-self and their true-self starts to appear, you will begin to see a very different person revealed. 

The relationship starts to become challenging. Things don’t seem right. Normal everyday issues start to become amplified and escalate into arguments and are very hurtful and complicated, drama! The narcissists will start to demean you, disrespect you, lie, abuse, gaslight, withhold and prepare you for the tests ahead before discard. Discard is the next stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle.     

Here comes the New Supply and Discard   

This will of course only come about when they have found a new source of supply. Generally this supply is already being groomed and will likely replace you, or be kept on the side until needed.

Narcissists you see LOVE and have truly captured the art of triangulation! Oh, how they love to triangulate! They will use one against the other. A war of jealousy and drama will occur between the supplies, while each and every act feeds the narcissist what they need to feed off to sustain.

You see a narcissist can NEVER be without supply. If you are wondering why all those ex’s still linger, its because they have all been proven to be a source of supply for one reason or another from the past. They still fill the narcissist’s ego when they need it.

Of course you will hear that they are “just friends”, but this is not the case… they are historical supplies that were left hanging and possibly hurt without closure from previous relationships. Much of a following is needed to support the air that sustains the flight under the wingspread of the narcissist. 

There are many forms of narcissism. Healthy narcissism is what most people display, however the dangerous types are  pathological and aggressive.

Pathological narcissists have a tendency to devalue people around them and are driven by their intense need for adoration to support their self inflated grandiose image.

This is where the source of supply comes in.

A source of supply serves to rid the pathological narcissist of their prevailing emptiness. They drain from their supply the good qualities that they are unable to attain themselves. The pathological narcissist plunders their source because of their envy toward those that can feel joy and happiness. They will not hesitate to woo and charm, seduce and capture a source of supply that has openly displayed empathy, goals, compassion and success. They seek out sources of supply that have moral fiber, vitality, position and hook on for the ride. 

Without notice or hesitation, should a new source come along that is more vulnerable and naive, they will quickly become critical, dismissive and set out to destroy their source of supply to justify their lack of regard and their need to move on to a new source. This leaves the narcissist’s supply confused and without closure, suffering self-doubt and a damaged esteem. 

They will display promiscuity when seeking their need for attention, adoration and ego. The way they view it, is “anyone can be replaced” once they have lost their usefulness, newness, attractiveness or appeal. They never sustain a deep emotional bond, therefore if their source becomes droning, needy or problematic, they have no use for them and move on to a new source of supply without regard, regret or the wellbeing, safety or harmony of another.  

There are no genuine feelings behind their words, therefore their emotional detachment is without pain, or remorse. Narcissist have an inability to accept fault or assume responsibility toward what hurt they may cause their discarded source. 

Narcissist do not seek attention for adoration, but for self validation, therefore the source is really irrelevant. They will never be overly concerned about what others think of them, because the narcissist’s need for validation is to boost their own ego of superiority for power and position to manipulate. They will exploit their sources for personal gain, not for status. 

This is why the narcissist needs more than one source of supply, each serves their own purpose. Be it sex, financial, children, work… each in their own will serve the narcissist in a way that will validate their self inflated ego (that is really miniscule on its own).

During the Devaluation Stage

During the devaluation stage and prior to the discard, the narcissist is feeling pretty secure that they have groomed their source of supply to stick around and the time has come for them to test the waters and see where their true-self will bring them. So, they start to change… 

If the supply is caught on the hook as the narcissist suspects, they will become submissive to the narcissist’s stages of “devaluating” and start to accept crumbs without expectations. But, if the supply is secure with themselves and starts to pay attention to their gut feelings, they RUN like heck!! 

Should a supply stick around, the narcissist will feel pretty certain that they have achieved obtaining this source and know what fulfillers they can bring to the table and what limitations they may have. A narcissist will take full advantage of their source by nature and will extract whatever they need, when it’s needed to fulfill the dark emptiness they have within themselves.

The narcissist needs many sources to meet their needs. There is never only a primary supply, but a second, third, fourth and so on. So, don’t take it personal, its not you, it’s them!

During the devaluing stage, it is hard for the source of supply to keep up that fallacy that everything is “Okay”, when it’s obviously not. They start to question why their relationship has changed. The narcissist will offer up all the reasons as to why it is you and not them and again, the narcissist without conscious will ultimately leave this source of supply in massive turmoil and confusion with no closure. It will be the final stages of the ID&Ds (idealization, devaluation and discarding).

There is nothing that a supply can do to fix this. No matter how high they jump or how many fires they role through, the narcissist has their agenda and it is without regard for you!

Once they have used up a supply, they are sure to already have sites on the new one. You can be sure that there is one out there being groomed and sooner or later, if the new source pans out, the narcissist will discard the old supply and make a new source the “Primary” supply.

If you feel a little panicked at this statement, know that they will keep you around, as long as you want to stick around and play with you like a fish stuck on a hook. They always come around for the “hoover”. This is the final and repeat stage if you fall for it.

Now that the “New Supply” has been secured, it will be safe for them to let the old supply go.  The hoover will occur only when there is trouble with the New Supply. And, there is always trouble, because you see… they will do the same to them as they have done to you. So, when that call comes, or they show up, text or awaken their flying monkeys to see how you are, it’s because they are really just returning to a source of supply that once worked for them and put up with their BS. This is not a sign of love, but a sign of abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse Normalized in the Making of our Generation

WOW, I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!

As I sat, reading articles to post for The Red Flag Society readers, in the back ground I had “I Love Lucy”.  Now some of you know that show (OMG, I’m showing my age, aren’t I?)

8e0bc888adbe52d26e2431631d38b63e--white-tv-black-and-white

During that time and era (just before mine I need to say), a family use to sit around the black and white TV and watch shows together.  Back then, this was considered quality family time.  But I wonder, what is it that they were watching?

Most of the shows that were “family” oriented, did not truly represent life as it was, but how everyone wanted it to look like.  Take shows like “Leave it to Beaver”, the Cleaver’s couldn’t be more perfect to what a “normal” family was suppose to look like back then.  “Ozzie and Harriet”, “Father Knows Best”, all these shows represented what society thought was a perfect family life and how life was to look to the outside world… even if that wasn’t what was going on.  I know, because I grew up in a home with everything looking perfect from the outside, but what was going on inside was no Cleaver family, that was for sure.

There were other shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy” that made a joke of  this type of abuse.  “Bang Zoom to the moon Alice…” and the never ending antics of Lucy and Ricky on I love Lucy, loving, fighting, perfect family, then abuse, fear and suppression.  These were prime time family shows.

Every morning when I woke up, had my coffee and sat down at my computer… I started to notice that I usually had “I Love Lucy” on in the back ground. It became a routine I think? I Love Lucy for me was a “comfort show” when I was a child.  It was my ultimate favorite!  I watched it all the time and I even felt that Lucille Ball was like a family member that help raise me. I’ve made jokes of this with friends and family in my adult life, however I don’t think that many understood what I really meant by that.

When I was a child I had the opportunity to have an introduction to Lucille Ball’s Studios (Desilu Productions) through my Grandfather… I remember how excited I was the whole day before, I couldn’t wait to go to her studio and meet her and I couldn’t talk about anything else… I really thought I was going to meet Lucy and tell her everything that I thought about her, her show and why I loved her so much.  My Grandparents sat me down and tried to explain to me that she wasn’t married to “Ricky” (Desi Arnaz) anymore. At first I was upset about this. I was like 7 years old and didn’t understand, “not married anymore”.  I now think they didn’t want to get embarrassed when I asked, “Where’s Ricky” when at the studios. But, I guess they didn’t know my feelings were on the contrary…. Even as a child, I thought Ricky was a terribly awful man and really didn’t want to see him, meet him or be anywhere near him.  I remember thinking how he was so terrible to Lucy, always yelling at her and making her scared to tell him things. Hmmmmm….

Now, those of us that have seen this show know Lucy was a prankster.  Ricky use to belittle her, make her feel bad about herself… put down her talents (even though her talents were bad singing, or always wanting to be in his shows…)

In I Love Lucy, Lucy was not suppose to be a talented women for show biz.  She was to play the role of the doting loving wife, that supported her husbands dreams and was suppose to abandon her own.  For which, she did not!! She rebelled and did everything possible to pursue her dreams, whether achievable or not.  As a result, she was ABUSED!!

At the age of 7, I did what I thought to be the respectful way of introduction of myself to Ms. Lucille Ball.  I sat down and wrote her a letter about how much I loved her and how excited I was that I might just get to meet her. How I thought she was funny and talented and how GLAD, I was that she got rid of that “HOT HEADED CUBAN” husband that was so terribly mean to her.

Well, my grandfather read my letter and said…. “Oh No, No, No, you can’t give this letter to Ms. Ball representatives….” and he made me re-write the letter with now his guidance. You see Grandpa was a bit of a control freak too, however socially appropriate. My new letter now avoided any mention of how I felt about Ricky Ricardo and how glad I was that he was gone.  I was only to say how much I loved Lucy and that was it.  I remember being so angry at my grandfather that day, because he wouldn’t allow me to say what I really felt and I really meant it! I didn’t like the way he treated her, it seemed wrong even to a 7 year old. I thought he was mean, hurtful, a bully, he made fun of her, her dreams, and he put down for all of her wants and needs with the excuse that he was the man, breadwinner and husband.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I Love Lucy was a classic!!  It was one of my favorite shows growing up and now it is still what I consider a comfort show that I put on in the back ground… It eases my mind…. and makes me feel at home.  It gives me those warm fuzzy feelings.

Now you tell me, what’s wrong with that picture???

My association of “Comfort” is the same of what now we understand to be “Abuse”…  And, as a child I was trained to think that that behavior was acceptable and even found “comfort” in my association being part of the Ricardo family.  I was learning that a man could and would treat a woman as Ricky treated Lucy on their show and it was ok?  When I tried to voice my feelings about it at 7 years old, I was told that my feelings were “unacceptable”.  Funny however, I was trying to express how I thought that behavior was “unacceptable”. My thoughts and feeling about that type of behavior were suppressed and I was lead to believe that my interpretation was incorrect… which really wasn’t the case. Evident as to some of the struggles I have today with narcissists and my association with them.

Even though this was just a TV program, and suppose to be funny… I knew then it made me uncomfortable.  I see now the programming I experienced.  I was made to think it was acceptable to treat someone that way and should I have feelings to the contrary, they were wrong and unacceptable to speak.

So begins the steps of conditioning the personality to accept narcissistic abuse. 

There were many bricks placed in the making of my foundation by watching shows just like this one.  My rearing was a confused mess, so please understand it when I say… much of it was learned from sitting in front of a TV and a very erratic  family interaction. Shows such as this were programming me to believed the rights and wrongs in life. What was acceptable or not and what our perception of what made us feel good and bad were all a part of the conditioning normalizing this bad behavior and personality disorder.

As I was sitting at my desk years ago, I wrote bits of this article,  While I was sitting there writing, I wrote about how I had I Love Lucy on in the background and I heard Ricky yelling at Lucy for one of her pranks.  I watched as she and Ethel coward in the corner, because they were so afraid of upsetting their husbands and tried to get out of the way of the RAGE.  

Ricky went off yelling in Spanish. I’m sure what he was saying wasn’t that bad, because we are talking TV 50 years ago. But, if we don’t understand Spanish, (which I don’t), we have no idea what he is saying to her, other than by the “tone” of it. I think we can all agree his face blowing up, his eyes popping out of his head, the veins protruding from his neck, all clearly indication that what he was saying, wasn’t good, no?  It was my understanding on the show, that Lucy didn’t understand Spanish either, therefore her reactions were as a result of the “tone” as well, not the words. She was reacting to the ABUSE, not even understanding what was being said. We can see her reaction is upset, frightened, cowering… and ABUSED!!! She can’t even respond, because she doesn’t understand what he is yelling about.  And, should she try… he would stop her….

Now mind you, after all is said and done, Lucy and Ricky always made up and the I love you” always returned making everything OK again… Really?

Lucy-Ricky.jpg

This reminds me of every time I suffered the abuse from my narcissist and foolishly forgave him like nothing ever really happened.  It made it “OK”, it made it tolerable, it made me a “willing victim” to come back for more.  I forgave the unforgivable.

I believe that many of us that have suffered from narcissistic abuse were raised with abuse as an underlying normal, acceptable behavior. Such has attributed to fragility in our self-ego’s, respect and psyche.  We go through life accepting or fighting off these abusive behaviors to avoid being hurt by them.  Both  type of responses have the same objective…

The example of narcissist behavior and it’s being acceptable as displayed in I Love Lucy, is a clear example of how society made this normal and acceptable.  Our parents may have thought so as well.  Therefore, we developed the disposition to accept it, or fight it. I know that I have found numerous ways to justify it to myself and others, while the Rickys in my world performed this roller-coaster rides over my head and trashing my heart.

In I love Lucy, Ricky clearly Loves Lucy, hence the title it’s self.  He does however never allow her to evolve without him, nor offer support, love and confidence to achieve her dreams that were clearly neglected and his behavior reflected his insecurities and fears of losing his control… over her!!!

Did you ever notice how some of the people that Ricky apologized to for “her” behavior, took pity on Lucy, offered her support and were a little pissed at Ricky for not recognizing that she had a right to her dreams, be them achievable or not?

If you view this show in today’s age and think about some of what you have read here, you will see it so very differently.  The clear cut programming of a narcissist to a victim, representing that love was the bond, by using abuse.  I personally believe that Lucy and Desi lived out a lot of their real life issue through their show, love and jealously, control and abuse. The truth here is that Lucy was truly suppressed on every level possible the talents that Desi never really fully achieved.

I mean no disrespect to one of the most brilliant woman Ms. Lucille Ball, I loved her dearly….  But, as a result of her show…. millions of people have suffered abuse, accepted it as normal and tolerated it  much longer than they should have.  Thanks Lucy… for the insight?

It is what it really is…. Narcissist Abuse Normalizing and Conditioning in the Making… 

(some excerpts from my site “The Red Flag Society” made many years ago)

When Twice Wasn’t Enough

I got lost in this world and can’t seem to find my way out.  I have been betrayed for so long, the pain is so deep within me that I can’t see my way anymore.  I have been living a lie, first with you and a woman, to only have you do it again with another.  I forgave you once, then you found another to recreate the scenario that burns my soul to ashes.

How can anyone endure this hurt?  How have I fallen in love with a man that doesn’t really love anyone?  It’s not my belief that you can’t, I don’t want to believe that you can’t.  The only love I have ever seen you display is one of addiction.  Not of the soul.

If she only knew… If I only knew…  The frightening part is, I did, and I am sure she does too.

I awake with nightmares of yesterdays, wondering if the dreams are real, or are my todays? I can’t remember a time of peace.  My head has been twisted to see only the façade that you have created.  I wanted to believe in you, but you are not believable.

A trickster, a joker, a con…. Why?  What is broken so down deep inside of you that you must hurt anyone that dares to love you?  I thought I knew you, but I really don’t… either you have changed, or I have awoken. I believe the latter.

Be patient you say, be patient for what?  For you to create another vicious crime against another heart?  And then what?  Come back to me?  Come back to me for another fill, affliction, assault on all that is good and giving?  That’s not going to happen.  Not this time.

I used to think that there was an ounce of integrity that I could support, defend, profess… despite all your downfalls.  You destroyed even that, leaving a little girl with an empty dream of who she once thought her father was, that became unmasked before her. How frightening for this beautiful child… how sad for her to love the unlovable.  Despite my silence, these thoughts and feelings I share with her and anyone else that was taunted to love this masked man.  I can see the same pain in her face, hear it in her voice, the twisted thoughts of reality that confuse the obvious.  I have felt these same feelings in my soul, while keeping them silent…  Loving a man that walks without leaving a trace of established foundation.  It’s all sand… and it washes away with every tear you create in those who have dared to love you, with every hot aired wind that reels from your lying lips.

Let go, I have… I have let every bit of the belief free of who I once thought you were.  I have seen the twine unravel and find that there is nothing but an ugly ball that requires another to mask the chameleon to fit in to a world that some might see as real, until the mask falls again… and it always does….

Erased

The days turn to nights, and nights to days
The first sign of light, the challenges raised
To love with every beat, my heart dares to take
My mind rips apart the moment I wake
I’ve loved you from the moment, I looked into your eyes
Never did I think, you’d be riddled with lies
A man that so many have tried to posses
Has left a path of stories that have yet to be professed
I’ve dreamt of you a lifetime, hoping to find
A gentle man that loved me, that was good and kind
Never would I have thought that life would disguise
The pain that was hidden far beneath those eyes
I held you so closely, to my breast as you sleep
To feel the peace rise, from the days that repeat
The cycles turn swiftly, our nights in your head
As one tries to love you, aside you in bed
My soul was opened, doors having no key
For there is no one else to compare to for me
We’ve danced in the moonlight and made love to the songs
Of every moment in life, even the ones that’ve gone wrong
You know not why I love you, I have made my plea
But my words are all broken and you no longer hear me
You are in my dreams, my gentle man I say
I beg you to remember and not walk away
Know that I love you, for all that we are
The years passed quickly, but haven’t changed us so far
I know that you love me as you remind me you do
But then you push me away for something to do?
How many times I’ve heard you love me too much
But when I share the same you tell me not such
Your words are twisted, and actions run wild
While I stand here watching, feeling as lost as a child
I can never be what repairs you, for your life lived in the past
I only have to offer this role I’ve been cast
To feel empty in love, while you run your path
Knowing all that I have given can be erased in a wrath
Please hear me, please know… I’m as confused as you
For all that I say, and all that I do…
Was for you