A Sleeping Soul Awakens…

It’s early morning… I stood outside for just a moment,
looking toward the sky searching for answers.

So many memories embraced me.
So much to awaken a sleeping soul…

The chill in the air is crisp and smells sweet…
Thoughts of how life experiences help create us, but don’t define us.
Each step taken is greater than our last.
Today, unlike yesterdays… have new meanings.
But none, if not for the old…

We can bring what yesterday has given us along,
Hopes of creating new dreams and paths to follow.
Only the shadows that whisper in the wind are stories of long ago…

Tomorrow’s will embrace a future
and each day forward creates more memories to hold precious with a wiser heart.
Clarity and meaning will come with the transitioning to a new...

Oh yes, I can remember this day from long ago.
It changed the wind in my sails that has taken on a new course…

Beneath these once fragile wings, the winds whisper of memories and each has its way of giving courage and strength to allow me to fly once again…

~ KANA (c. 2019)

False Envy

I guess I need to get over this part, so do many others that have been discarded by a Narcissist.  Let me see what it is that I “Envy” about the New Supply…?? Hmmmmm…..

https://allshookupagain.blog/2018/09/24/false-envy/

  1. She is with him….

Well, that really is nothing. If I wanted to be, I would be with him too.  All you have to be is convenient and answer the phone. Hmmm…

masked woman

  1. She looks OK, is it her beauty?

No, I don’t think it’s her beauty, because I know that I am more attractive than her.  Even that comment was made by him to me numerous times… So, that can’t be it.

Pool

  1. She is living my life and all that he and I talked about, right down to the house, location and accessories.

No, this isn’t it.  She is the one that is supplying that lifestyle, just as I would and was before. He isn’t contributing to that life, he is just using it as a projection of himself.  It is image…. And not even his…

broken plate and glass

  1. She has his loyalty?

Ha, now that one isn’t true at all.  I have to remember this.  If he was so loyal, I wouldn’t receive the calls and the love messages to this day.  He wouldn’t be on dating sites right now.  He wouldn’t be talking to other women (self-admitted).  He would not have carried on two separate relationships until I recently fled (again).  He wouldn’t seek to come to me or ask me when I am going to come to him.  He wouldn’t share all the crazy thoughts he has about her that are disparaging with me.  I have no doubt they were said about me to her as well.  So, loyalties… she doesn’t have that either.

dream hope

  1. She can dream of a future?

The key word here is “dream”.  I dreamt of many futures that were created by his words and promises.  However, even though he is with a New Supply, he still talks about “our future”, how we will be together… Not true, I’m sure he says the same to her…. The one before thought she was getting an engagement ring at Costco. Ha, Costco…. I don’t mean to laugh about that, only that is was said to me to try to make me jealous, but it made me think how crazy that was, to buy an engagement ring at “Costco”?  I don’t know.  It just didn’t represent to me making the effort, making it special… a Costco engagement ring that can be found in the isle after bulk dog food?  The only future I can even imagine will be the future that she creates and then spends a lifetime taking care of him (while he cheats, drinks and lies).

The TRUTH here is…

beach woman

There is nothing to envy about the New Supply.  I kind of feel sorry for her when I resurrect my Christianity.  I feel badly that she thinks that this life is better than the one that she once had. It will take time, but hopefully she will see it, before it destroys her.  I know this pain, and don’t really wish it on anyone.

I didn’t mean to fall in love with a Narcissistic man.  I didn’t even know what one was, until it all started to not make sense.  I gave of myself all I had to an empty black hole, because I use to think I saw the lost and angered child within the man that I love that suffered, and I wanted to be that comfort to him.  Well, I can still claim the crown of that comfort.  That’s what brings him back to me over and over, however it’s like the Tom Cat that comes home at night to be fed and cared for, to only roam the streets again the next day and pick up whatever “P****” that will let him in….

cats

Erased

The days turn to nights, and nights to days
The first sign of light, the challenges raised
To love with every beat, my heart dares to take
My mind rips apart the moment I wake
I’ve loved you from the moment, I looked into your eyes
Never did I think, you’d be riddled with lies
A man that so many have tried to posses
Has left a path of stories that have yet to be professed
I’ve dreamt of you a lifetime, hoping to find
A gentle man that loved me, that was good and kind
Never would I have thought that life would disguise
The pain that was hidden far beneath those eyes
I held you so closely, to my breast as you sleep
To feel the peace rise, from the days that repeat
The cycles turn swiftly, our nights in your head
As one tries to love you, aside you in bed
My soul was opened, doors having no key
For there is no one else to compare to for me
We’ve danced in the moonlight and made love to the songs
Of every moment in life, even the ones that’ve gone wrong
You know not why I love you, I have made my plea
But my words are all broken and you no longer hear me
You are in my dreams, my gentle man I say
I beg you to remember and not walk away
Know that I love you, for all that we are
The years passed quickly, but haven’t changed us so far
I know that you love me as you remind me you do
But then you push me away for something to do?
How many times I’ve heard you love me too much
But when I share the same you tell me not such
Your words are twisted, and actions run wild
While I stand here watching, feeling as lost as a child
I can never be what repairs you, for your life lived in the past
I only have to offer this role I’ve been cast
To feel empty in love, while you run your path
Knowing all that I have given can be erased in a wrath
Please hear me, please know… I’m as confused as you
For all that I say, and all that I do…
Was for you