My Summer Pony Tail

I whisper your name in silence,
so softly that I cannot hear it myself…

A denial of my love, a betrayal of my own heart…
Just to let it be known, that it still yearns for you.

I breath the fresh air that I thought would give me freedom,
but to hear your voice…


I am still captured with intoxication of the love we have shared.

In this life…

we have such small chosen bits that are offered for purity and simplicity.

What we have shared had filled those empty masks
that were missing the elements of what souls bind with.

You found me, you filled me….
But now I whisper your name in silent darkness
where I can only see you in my dreams.

                                                                                     ~KANA

Years ago, my  memoir 

When I would see him, hear his voice, I would become flooded with feelings from the past, feeling from what once was magical between us.

This Summer Pony Tail, was for me now… the masks were still missing the elements that binds souls. I pulled my hair back, took a moment to breath in that same fresh air and look in the mirror.  I now no longer have those dreams of someone that never really existed.

It is painful when you awake and find that you loved the unlovable….

 

A Narcissist Valentine’s Day With No Trust Left To Give

Narcissist Valentine’s Day….

~ None the different than days gone by…
There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~

This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…

Amen to this I say… alive, still here and searching for all the secure future foundations to rebuild, while watching each step closely before taken.

Thank you for the reminder, but you can keep your flowers and apologies, they mean nothing anymore…

A Narcissist Valentine’s Day Awakening With No Trust Left To Give

Valentine’s Day….

~ None the different than days gone by… There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~

This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…

Amen to this I say… alive, still here and searching for all the secure future foundations to rebuild, while watching each step closely before taken.

Thank you for the reminder, but you can keep your flowers and apologies, they mean nothing anymore…

Betrayal

How can one reach beyond the feelings of betrayal? We give of our hearts, mind, souls and bodies to find that others do not regard of them with the same respect they deserve.

“A heart filled with pain for loving you, knowing you have no soul”

We love and hope that the love we have is requited. This is not the case with a Narcissist. It’s not you, it’s not what you have to offer a relationship, be it love, family, parent or friend. A Narcissist is incapable of understanding the depths of love that is offered from ones soul. I once read, a Narcissist is a “Soul With No Footprints”… and this couldn’t be more true. They leave no imprint on our lives, other than that we allow… and generally that is painful while in the current, or a memory. Yes, the pain, hurt, betrayal we feel is “ALLOWED” by us. A Narcissist is a phantom on this earth, suffering from their own self-loathing, masked feelings, just trying to fit in with the rest of society as they think they can BS their way through life. Your feelings do not touch the fragments of their fractured minds.

They don’t even understand the feelings that you have, share, beg, plead for them to hear. The Narcissist only has regard to what makes them feel good, despite if it hurts everyone around them.

Each and every one of us that has been effected by Narcissist injury, can relate to needing answers to the question’s one has asked. What is rational to normal minds, is not the same as the magic shop of “appear and disappear” that we experience with these Masters of Illusion.

When Twice Wasn’t Enough

I got lost in this world and can’t seem to find my way out.  I have been betrayed for so long, the pain is so deep within me that I can’t see my way anymore.  I have been living a lie, first with you and a woman, to only have you do it again with another.  I forgave you once, then you found another to recreate the scenario that burns my soul to ashes.

How can anyone endure this hurt?  How have I fallen in love with a man that doesn’t really love anyone?  It’s not my belief that you can’t, I don’t want to believe that you can’t.  The only love I have ever seen you display is one of addiction.  Not of the soul.

If she only knew… If I only knew…  The frightening part is, I did, and I am sure she does too.

I awake with nightmares of yesterdays, wondering if the dreams are real, or are my todays? I can’t remember a time of peace.  My head has been twisted to see only the façade that you have created.  I wanted to believe in you, but you are not believable.

A trickster, a joker, a con…. Why?  What is broken so down deep inside of you that you must hurt anyone that dares to love you?  I thought I knew you, but I really don’t… either you have changed, or I have awoken. I believe the latter.

Be patient you say, be patient for what?  For you to create another vicious crime against another heart?  And then what?  Come back to me?  Come back to me for another fill, affliction, assault on all that is good and giving?  That’s not going to happen.  Not this time.

I used to think that there was an ounce of integrity that I could support, defend, profess… despite all your downfalls.  You destroyed even that, leaving a little girl with an empty dream of who she once thought her father was, that became unmasked before her. How frightening for this beautiful child… how sad for her to love the unlovable.  Despite my silence, these thoughts and feelings I share with her and anyone else that was taunted to love this masked man.  I can see the same pain in her face, hear it in her voice, the twisted thoughts of reality that confuse the obvious.  I have felt these same feelings in my soul, while keeping them silent…  Loving a man that walks without leaving a trace of established foundation.  It’s all sand… and it washes away with every tear you create in those who have dared to love you, with every hot aired wind that reels from your lying lips.

Let go, I have… I have let every bit of the belief free of who I once thought you were.  I have seen the twine unravel and find that there is nothing but an ugly ball that requires another to mask the chameleon to fit in to a world that some might see as real, until the mask falls again… and it always does….

Two for One

It’s odd…

The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.

Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds. Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.

Once focused on a new day being born, the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana… Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is.  Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?

I thought tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant. The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations… Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.

Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….

One of Two for One

Guessing that the efforts and time spent made to help someone through a difficult time in life will never, should never be forgotten. When you are not the one making that is making that effort and sacrifice, it is easy to dismiss the other that had. To forgiving to forget and still remain, was only as a result of a broken heart that has been held together with a bandage of courage,.

When you find yourself sitting across from a face attached to a shell, you want to believe the plans and future dreams being shared are real… But when you find all that was said and done was just to to justify self serving patronage,it leaves pain in a heart broken

Next you are erased.

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It’s odd…

The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.

Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds.

Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.

Once focused on a new day being born,

the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana…

Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is. 

Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?

I thought of tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant.

The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations…

Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.

Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….

~ Echo

The narcissist will take advantage of your generosity and kindness. They do this by manipulating. those that love and care about them. They these sources of supply generally return, even after being hurt to help the narcissist when needed. This of course is until they are all used up!

Broken Paths

Broken Paths

I never thought that the soulful light that lives within me, could ever burn out. The light dims and my heart sparks, wounded and betrayed.  Broken heart, each piece slowly beats, until it doesn’t.  Airborne my spirit, as I feel a piece of me slip with every breath, fleeing from harm and sorrow. The tears that flood an inner soul that has been betrayed, after it gave all it had to give… to such one undeserving.

This flight of sincerity and passion has been traveled and abandoned for cynical needs.  The sick mind devours the purity of empathy.  The honest and sincere, walk a path of prey, stalked. How can one walk the earth in light, spreading only dark?

I once saw you as a mirror of me, but this is not the case.  Once swooned the kept emotions, now fear the path.

~KANA