The Carrot and Stick Tactic

Have we forgotten what LOVE is? I hear so many people, to include myself, say how much they love their narcissist. I loved him with all of my heart, every beat, every breath. I never felt this way about another person. And, I have never been as hurt by another like this in my lifetime.

I had forgotten what love is…

The feeling of being with someone that loves you as much (if not more) than you love them is an incredible feeling. A healthy relationship with someone where you set goals, plan holidays, vacation, build a life together, have equal strengths and directions, is all a good recipe for a healthy journey. This doesn’t happen with a narcissist. It doesn’t, it will never. They are not capable!

In the beginning, they will say anything and act it out during the love bombing stages. After all, they can only make the effort for a short time, so they give it their all and then ride the wave. If it doesn’t work out, I can guarantee they will say, it’s because of you.

Familiar??

  • “Where have you been all my life”
  • “I’ve never felt this way before”
  • “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you”
  • “You really get me”
  • “We are soulmates”
  • “I don’t want this to ever end”

It’s all BS…. It really is!!  As you live through the nightmare of having a relationship with a narcissist, you will become more and more confused about whats right and wrong.  You forget what it’s like to be loved with respect and fidelity.  I have, I certainly have throughout this past many years.

Each narcissist has a list of lines that they use over and over. They learn whats works for them.  When you are in a vulnerable state, it’s very hard to see through the facade that they create.  You believe their stories, promises and sweet words.  None of these are backed-up with actions, integrity or character.

Actor

They are a character played in a theater built just for their amusement.  They are an actor that performs to entertain themselves.  They have learned what to say, what to do, to render the results they want.  This is where you come in… You are the supply!  You have something to offer that they want, or need. Be it attention, money, status, support, sex or just a punching bag.  They get a kick out of what they can get away with.

They find all that is vulnerable within you, and then they fill those voids (temporarily) to suit your needs.  This is the beginning of it.

  • Offer you something you want or crave.
  • Make you want it more than you did before.
  • Then take it away, but dangle it ahead creating the desire.
  • They make you work harder for it, to fix it, make it better (but this is impossible)
  • Then they toss you to the curb when you no longer serve the purpose.
  • Oh, don’t forget they will come around again “hoovering”

All of this to repeat the cycle.  Act II, III. IV and so on.  The play remains playing as long as your in the audience.

You see, when we are in a vulnerable state, we seek that comfort and validation. I swear they can almost sniff it out… A narcissist knows how to play this part very well, it is instinctive and a well formatted script.  Don’t kid yourself, its all well planned in their head.

Love bombing…

When we are being love bombed, it feels euphoric. During love bombing you feel overwhelmed with the attention, adoration and the chemistry spikes. All of those little special things, sweet texts, attentiveness, flowers, pet names, thoughtful gestures, gifts, great sex… all of it comes flooding in, faster and faster as they increase their attack on your core emotions and vulnerabilities. These are all manipulation tactics that are laying the foundation of their future games of strategy.

Yup, your getting set up for the staging of the show to come…

Very quickly you are groomed to fit their needs.  You fall so head over-heels, it’s like an addiction to everything they are. You want more and more, and have no idea that the narcissist is full of false promises. You invest yourself into this relationship, because you feel that they are investing themselves into you. They will put forth the persona that you need them, they want whats best for you.  They will help move you, do the manly things around the house, like hang a mirror or fix the car. They will make small gestures to show their feelings, however they are not feelings, they are a plan. They are chameleons and mirror everything that is needed and desired in the heart of us. They start to pick up our lingo, habits, hobbies, anything that makes you more obviously connected to them.  They become an attachment to “your” life.  Generally because they don’t have one. They need to cling to a life that they can feed from… this is why they are called “Emotional Vampires”.  They suck the life right out of you.

They tantalize us with the promise of a brighter future, a relationship where we are deeply validated and taken care of. We get used to the daily praise and laser-focused attention.  The sex during the love bombing and initial idealization phase is explosive! The relationship has the perfect balance, a steady up-climb and the goal at the top, is your soul.  You think it’s being fulfilled, but it actually is being raped.  Yes, raped!!

The narcissist knows exactly how to bring us to greater heights. They are Pros at it!  It’s what they live for, how they live.  They have learned over a lifetime this technique and it serves them to catch you up, spin you around and then make you feel like hell, so if they come back around, they have you wanting something you know you don’t.

They’ve studied who we are, what we like and learned to mimic it.  Little do we know, sex and intimacy will later be used as ammunition.

Narcissists are skilled artists of manipulation. They will flatter you with attention, gain your trust and adoration, then start their field of games. Now that you are properly seasoned, “Let the games begin”.

Carrot and Stick Tactic

One of the foundations of their strategy is how they lure you in and then punish you for falling for it 1 out of 3 times. This simple manipulation technique is to elicit certain behaviors desired by the narcissist. One day everything is great, and just because you added one additional word to your sentence, the words become scrambled, the narcissist takes flight with rage and anger and you haven’t a clue what you did or said wrong. WACK!! You get the stick!

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Next time it might be different, you actually might get the carrot, if you succumb to the submissiveness of doing everything their way. What a wicked game they play, leaving your wanting and waiting. They punish you for having the love that they created. You become convenient for them, then without warning, they come back with the punishment to condition you when you try to express your needs. Don’t have any, not if you want to remain on the good side of this Mask Predator!

I went through this with my ex-narcissist. He would promise me the world, then he would create an argument, when I would confront his words that were not supported by his actions. He would become extremely defensive with such intensity. It use to make me feel like, “It’s you or me babe…” And, you can count on it, it was him!

“The only person that gets angry hearing the truth,

is one that’s living a lie”

Just when you start to realize what is going on, that things aren’t as they appear, the gaslighting begins.  “I can’t stand your manic behavior”, “Your crazy”, “It’s all in your head”, “Pump the brakes…”, “You know your the love of my life, and if you don’t know how I feel about you, then shame on you”. You start to think, “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Did I do something wrong” and you find that you start to question yourself and your cognitive dissonance starts to play a game on you. You loose grasp of the reality that you know is going on and are being convinced by the narcissist that it’s you.

I once read this on a web site, making it a cross reference to cognitive Dissonance.

“There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing, Or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing….”  
~ Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 

Cognitive Dissonance.  Do yourself a favor, read about cognitive dissonance and how it creates an alternate belief and confused state.

By definition…

Cognitive dissonance is “the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously.”.

As a result of cognitive dissonance, we enter into a state that keeps us attached to our abusive partner, despite knowing that they are incapable of loving us.  The confusion is wanting to believe them, and knowing the truth nonetheless.  It doesn’t make sense. Many people suffer from narcissistic abuse and cognitive dissonance keeps them trapped in the cycle.

We find it so hard to let go of our dreams and all that we believed our relationship to be. And, it was all a lie, it wasn’t real!  The narcissist is an actor and we fell for it.  The question remains, Why?  For that answer, we need to seek down deep within ourselves. What has us so confused that we believe something that is outside our beliefs, factually presented in front of us. We see it, we know it, we chose to allow someone to influence our belief system to the extent that they are able to cause us to believe something that we know not to be true.

Their actions and words don’t match up. If you address them about their conflicting facts, words, actions… They go into a melt down mode because you have inflicted narcissistic injury. This is guaranteed to occur should you dare to challenge them.  Know, if you chose to not accept their lies, infidelities, erratic behavior, they are sure to say, there is something wrong with you (gaslighting). They may even be able to make you believe it. You are blamed for the argument and then they will go into the silent treatment without regard of how it leaves you feeling (no closure, isn’t that a pin pinching your ass?). This is a conditioning to lower your expectations and make you compliant for the crumbs that you are yet to be minimized to in the near future. You feel like a sitting duck for the abuse and be careful when walking on those eggshells, a crack in any one of them will set them off, even if your not the one that crack it.

Be aware of the Carrot and Stick tactic.  You are chasing something that will never be. This is an act of control and a tool for the narcissist to trick you right into their web.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, then I’m the fool!! 

Don’t be a fool!  There isn’t enough time on earth that we should waste all the precious gifts we have to offer the right person, on one that doesn’t deserves it. We can’t change them, cure them and we didn’t create them.  Let them GO!!

Betrayal

How can one reach beyond the feelings of betrayal? We give of our hearts, mind, souls and bodies to find that others do not regard of them with the same respect they deserve.

“A heart filled with pain for loving you, knowing you have no soul”

We love and hope that the love we have is requited. This is not the case with a Narcissist. It’s not you, it’s not what you have to offer a relationship, be it love, family, parent or friend. A Narcissist is incapable of understanding the depths of love that is offered from ones soul. I once read, a Narcissist is a “Soul With No Footprints”… and this couldn’t be more true. They leave no imprint on our lives, other than that we allow… and generally that is painful while in the current, or a memory. Yes, the pain, hurt, betrayal we feel is “ALLOWED” by us. A Narcissist is a phantom on this earth, suffering from their own self-loathing, masked feelings, just trying to fit in with the rest of society as they think they can BS their way through life. Your feelings do not touch the fragments of their fractured minds.

They don’t even understand the feelings that you have, share, beg, plead for them to hear. The Narcissist only has regard to what makes them feel good, despite if it hurts everyone around them.

Each and every one of us that has been effected by Narcissist injury, can relate to needing answers to the question’s one has asked. What is rational to normal minds, is not the same as the magic shop of “appear and disappear” that we experience with these Masters of Illusion.

SOULMATE

Time to change direction, a time to bank life’s path.  A time to awaken…

Struggling with the 3am phone calls, wanting so badly to answer, but the story is always the same.  “You are the love of my life”, “I want to marry you”, “I hate my life without you in it”.  Does a “Drunk mind, speak a sober heart”??

The flood gates open, the words flow, however this doesn’t mean that the alcohol has the effect of a truth serum.  They surround themselves with those less intelligent, then find an excuse to drink. Was Hemingway right?

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With my ex, all of his indiscretions are blamed on his obvious disease, alcohol.  However, through the years he has done nothing to challenge that disease knowing how its affect damages the people in his life.

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A selective memory of what he does while under the influence is the general day after.  Everything he does is without the regard as to what he does to those that love and care about him while he is under that influence.

It is the excuse for infidelities, lies, broken promises, disappointments, hurtful words and so on.  The day after seems like a nightmare in itself as he goes through his PAWS (post alcohol withdrawal syndrome).  Sometimes you feel like you would rather he be drunk, because sober he is a real asshole most the time and not very good company.

Narcissist use the word “Love” as one of the tools to obtain supply.  They see it as their gift to you, that they “love you”, so it makes it okay for them to use you.  They extract everything that they need, at the expense of others emotions, well being, health, finances… life!

Those calls come day or night nonetheless, but its within your control to accept them, or not to continue the connection.

Echo thinks….

Wait!  Aren’t you sleeping in another’s bed? Didn’t you leave me and then blame me so you could leave me without guilt, to be in this other’s bed?  Isn’t that real? Were we real?  Is anything real with you?

Echo should hear…

Don’t answer the phone. Don’t fall for it again, he’s just drunk and alone. You are not the love of his life, because he doesn’t know what is needed to love in life (that pains me).   He is going to say, “I love you more than life itself, to the best of my ability to love”.  So, he knows it breaks the heart and it’s his lack of ability to share his.

We long so badly for the man to be the one that made us fall in love with him, but we feel nothing but disappointment, over and over.   It is almost ridiculous.  You know the truth, don’t want to accept it, think that its going to be different, but you still know the reality. The layer of this onion will only bring tears with every layer pealed. There really is no reward, there is no happy ending with a narcissist.

The Other Woman to the Other Woman

I have been a foolish woman.  I stood by a man that cheated on me throughout our relationship.  I went into some sort of crazy denial, supported by his “gaslighting” that it was all in my head, my irrational jealous feelings…  I watched him cheat on the woman before me, and again the ones after me.  It didn’t start out that way, but quickly became that way.  There came a time that I was almost complacent being the “Other Woman to the Other Woman” for nearly a decade.  What the hell was I thinking?

What kind of person does this to anyone, awakening a spirit of fire from deep within a soul and then, throw a gas mixed water, just to watch it rage and then simmer?  So cruel, insensitive, painful for the one who received the Love Bombing, to only realize that its a pattern, a way of life, a norm for the narcissist.

This behavior is part of what takes place causing trauma bonding. It creates an addiction to a person, in a sort of sense.  You have invested so much of yourself into them, you have a difficult time separating.  Its like a game of bait and catch, the carrot and the stick… Call it what you want, it is all a sadistic trick to maintain their “supply”, to be added to their harem, have a back up and keep you hanging indefinitely.  Until you decide not to, that is…  NO CONTACT is the only answer, or everytime you replenish yourself from the hurt and chaos that they cause, they hoover around again and start the process all over, until you have nothing left to offer once more.

SoulmateThis Trauma Bond is a bond, but it’s not one of love, but of addiction and develops from the abuse you experience during the tug of war of your mind and heart as its played. You are my “Soulmate”, they may say.  But honestly the only soul is within the one that has one.  There is no “soul” mating with one that is soulless. This is not said to be mean, the truth is that someone that suffers from a Personality Disorder of narcissism has an empty hole in place where a soul would dwell.

We could spend a lifetime trying to fill that hole, reach for that soul, however it has never developed, therefore… is missing.  “A Soul with No Footprints”, as I have once heard, leaves no imprint on life.  The narcissist casually passes on by, never looking back, touching what it is they want, and leaves like a thief in the night, leaving destruction and tormented hearts.  They lack emotional empathy.

NO, it’s not you!!!  They are soulless!!

How did they get that way?  There are many reason’s that a narcissist is the way they are. Many suffer from addiction as well (as in my case, he was a serious alcoholic), because they use their drug of choice to numb their pain. I’ve heard that one for years first hand.

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The day after’s are generally roller coasters.  They forget what they have said, or just said what they did  to obtain the reaction, attention or supply, once again.  They love to tempt those waters.  When rejected, a narcissist suffers “narcissistic injury” and I can assure you that they are tormented by that.

My ex-narcissist use to say “silence is deadly”, the silent treatment is used as one of their favorite punishments.  This takes away what little worth you may feel you are to the narcissist and conditions you to believe that you are expendable, without loss to them.

Oh, don’t let this become part of your psyche.  You are VERY valuable… you were chosen by the narcissist to offer a unique supply that they were unable to obtain from someone else.  If they continue to hoover you over and over, you know that the bee is seeking the nectar from this flower.  Know this is not out of love or adoration for you, but for only the nectar.  The bee will fly off to seek another supply too, but may be back tomorrow to revisit this flower (if you let them).

THEY NEED MULTIPLE SUPPLY

Narcissists need outside sources to make them feel complete.  Funny, the ones abused have the same need.  Both are not feeling fulfilled within themselves.  What a terrible shame that a narcissist will never change, and those that love them struggle with letting them go, because they want to be the one that does.  It’s a never ending battle with a well recognized personality disorder that destroys everyone that it touches.